Posted by Diana in Uncategorized
Ok, so I made Mac and Cheese again today and this time it came out watery. I’m not going to go into details… I’ll let your creativity decide what exactly I did wrong. The point is, I only made a small amount of it. I didn’t really make enough for an entire meal, however, after a few bites I completely lost my appetite. I can’t decide whether to count this as a culinary success or a cooking disaster. My life can be so difficult.
Posted by Diana in Uncategorized
Ok, so here is a new recipe I discovered for “Crunchy Mac and Cheese”.
Step 1: Fill pot full of hot water
Step 2: Dump… I mean POUR macaroni in hot water and set to boil
Step 3: Promptly forget about macaroni and leave the room
Step 4: 45 minutes later, return to macaroni. Normally, you would have to pour the macaroni into a strainer to get rid of the water, but in my method, the water has all evaporated and you can completely skip that step. This is a recipe for a busy person who doesn’t have time to babysit a pot of macaroni.
Step 5: Pour in the milk, cheese mix and butter as directed on side of the box.
Step 6: Stir
Step 7: Pour macaroni into bowl
Step 8: Chisel “crunchy” macaroni from bottom of pot and sprinkle on top of mac of cheese in bowl
Step 9: Leave pot in sink for significant other to clean later
Posted by Diana in Kevin Sucks
For those of you who have been reading my blog since the beginning, you may remember a post between my sister, Mindy, and an alien who uses Kevin’s phone to communicate with my sister. Today, the alien contacted Mindy via Mindy’s cell phone.
Alien: This is Zorton from the planet Kluxhu. Tremble in fear, puny earthling. P.S. We have your phone!
Mindy: Ahhh crap, not again!!
Alien: Again? This is the first time we’ve contacted you, puny earthling. Wait, did my idiot lieutenant jump the gun again? I’m going to kill that Qxaklufrgn Farkl. (That’s “asshole” in our native tongue. You’d better learn it well.
Mindy: Well, since you and I are already familiar, why not use “asshole”?
Alien: Check your insolence, earthling, if you want to see your phone again.
Mindy: No disrespect intended, sir. I can’t help but feel things may be getting lost in translation. Perhaps we can discuss this over a nice cocktail.
Alien: Punctuate this! Your cocktail means nothing to me.
Mindy: Damn, that hurts. Your words cut deep, man.
Alien: I have a death ray. I can do more than cut. Suck on that, terran scum!
(We were at Starbucks with my sister during this conversation and my sister ordered her coffee and told us about how unhelpful her podiatrist has been regarding her feet problem. Coincidently, as Mindy was scooping her yogurt with granola on top, her spoon decided to snap in half)
Alien: Your coffee order is gibberish. I am the reason for your foot problems. I also broke your spoon with mind bullets. Like that parfait you’re eating? That’s my lieutenant ground up into dairy and granola.
(Mindy ignores Kevin and goes on to tell us about the great deal she got when purchasing her super awesome and trendy scarf for only $2, even though it was totally worth way more than that.)
Alien: Your scarf is worth no more than 49 cents.
Mindy: Fuck you, you fucking FARKL!
Alien: I see your race wears large sunglasses to cover your ugly faces. This pleases me. Lady Gaga called. She wants her glasses back. Run and tell that, Poker Face. P.S. Lady Gaga is my lieutenant.
Mindy: That actually makes a lot of sense.
Alien: One of us has to make sense around here. You know what also makes sense? Wdidfjhfksaos. I’ll tell you what that means after the invasion. Hint: It rhymes with “Go sodomize yourself with a splintered broom.” Here’s another hint. My people planted a bunch of booby trapped scarves in all of the thrift shops of the world. I hope you enjoy anal warts. You’ve got’em now.
Mindy: Ok, enough of that sister. That’s just plain gross!
Alien: I am neither male nor female. You will learn that about my people after the invasion. Enjoy your day.
Mindy: Looking forward to it, asshole. I mean, farkl.
Alien: Now you’ve asked for it. I have just posted naked pictures of your phone on the internet. Await instructions on how to have them taken down.
At this point, I noticed my sister somehow thought I had stolen Kevin’s phone and I was the one typing all this stupidity. I confiscated Kevin’s phone for a while before I finally gave it back. Sometimes, he acts like a freaking 2 year old and gets me in trouble. What a Qxaklufrgn Farkl!!!