Fight It, Diana
Posted by Diana in Kevin Sucks, Non-Halloween Holiday
Yeah, yeah, yeah … I neglected my blog for waaaaaaay too long. I can spend this entire post listing off a bunch of excuses such as school work, writer’s block, and a lack of time (or if I want to be honest, laziness), but does it really matter? Anyways, moving on…
Monday, May 23rd was my birthday. On that day, Kevin had proven yet again to be a complete ass. The night before my birthday, I told him that I actually wanted flowers for once. Notice how on his blog he accidentally posted the following:
“Every year, she tells me not to get her flowers because she thinks they’re impractical and needlessly expensive, but I decided this year to pick her up a modest, reasonably priced bouquet.”
His hand must have slipped and accidentally hit the wrong keys or something, because the story he tells is complete bullshit. Anyways, I told him that, in addition to flowers, I also wanted a card with something romantic written inside it.
He rolled his eyes and then proclaimed, “You didn’t get me a card for my birthday”. I reminded him that I actually planned a surprise paintball party for his birthday, so I guess he must be planning me a surprise party too. That’s probably why I got the flowers. The next day, he came home with a beautiful bouqet of flowers and a card. I was floored that he actually got me flowers for once, and I completely forgot to remain wary of the card. I was so happy, I was jumping up and down when he handed me the card. Stupidly, Kevin started laughing so hard, that he had to support himself on the kitchen counter. That’s when I grew suspicious. I slowly opened the card and saw the words, “Get Well Soon”. To be honest, when he gave me the real card afterward, I was so pissed off about the decoy card that I don’t even remember what it said.
He did salvage the rest of night by taking me out to dinner (Johnny Rockets because we were short on time) and we went to see a movie (The Pirates of the Caribbean). All in all, it was a great night, despite the fact that I had a horrendously hard final exam the following day. Finals always occur on my birthday… so not fair!
Mindy vs Zorton
Posted by Diana in Kevin Sucks
For those of you who have been reading my blog since the beginning, you may remember a post between my sister, Mindy, and an alien who uses Kevin’s phone to communicate with my sister. Today, the alien contacted Mindy via Mindy’s cell phone.
Alien: This is Zorton from the planet Kluxhu. Tremble in fear, puny earthling. P.S. We have your phone!
Mindy: Ahhh crap, not again!!
Alien: Again? This is the first time we’ve contacted you, puny earthling. Wait, did my idiot lieutenant jump the gun again? I’m going to kill that Qxaklufrgn Farkl. (That’s “asshole” in our native tongue. You’d better learn it well.
Mindy: Well, since you and I are already familiar, why not use “asshole”?
Alien: Check your insolence, earthling, if you want to see your phone again.
Mindy: No disrespect intended, sir. I can’t help but feel things may be getting lost in translation. Perhaps we can discuss this over a nice cocktail.
Alien: Punctuate this! Your cocktail means nothing to me.
Mindy: Damn, that hurts. Your words cut deep, man.
Alien: I have a death ray. I can do more than cut. Suck on that, terran scum!
(We were at Starbucks with my sister during this conversation and my sister ordered her coffee and told us about how unhelpful her podiatrist has been regarding her feet problem. Coincidently, as Mindy was scooping her yogurt with granola on top, her spoon decided to snap in half)
Alien: Your coffee order is gibberish. I am the reason for your foot problems. I also broke your spoon with mind bullets. Like that parfait you’re eating? That’s my lieutenant ground up into dairy and granola.
(Mindy ignores Kevin and goes on to tell us about the great deal she got when purchasing her super awesome and trendy scarf for only $2, even though it was totally worth way more than that.)
Alien: Your scarf is worth no more than 49 cents.
Mindy: Fuck you, you fucking FARKL!
Alien: I see your race wears large sunglasses to cover your ugly faces. This pleases me. Lady Gaga called. She wants her glasses back. Run and tell that, Poker Face. P.S. Lady Gaga is my lieutenant.
Mindy: That actually makes a lot of sense.
Alien: One of us has to make sense around here. You know what also makes sense? Wdidfjhfksaos. I’ll tell you what that means after the invasion. Hint: It rhymes with “Go sodomize yourself with a splintered broom.” Here’s another hint. My people planted a bunch of booby trapped scarves in all of the thrift shops of the world. I hope you enjoy anal warts. You’ve got’em now.
Mindy: Ok, enough of that sister. That’s just plain gross!
Alien: I am neither male nor female. You will learn that about my people after the invasion. Enjoy your day.
Mindy: Looking forward to it, asshole. I mean, farkl.
Alien: Now you’ve asked for it. I have just posted naked pictures of your phone on the internet. Await instructions on how to have them taken down.
At this point, I noticed my sister somehow thought I had stolen Kevin’s phone and I was the one typing all this stupidity. I confiscated Kevin’s phone for a while before I finally gave it back. Sometimes, he acts like a freaking 2 year old and gets me in trouble. What a Qxaklufrgn Farkl!!!
My Valentine’s Day
Posted by Diana in Kevin Sucks
Every year, Kevin outdoes himself. He spends weeks brainstorming the perfect plan for Valentine’s Day in the hope of pissing me off even more than he did the year before. Well, it’s going to be pretty hard for Kevin to top himself after this year. Let me run down my V-Day morning, and you will see what I’m talking about.
The first thing I noticed when I woke up on February 14th was the Mad Libs brand Valentine’s cards in my bedroom. Following the trail of these cards led me to various different rooms in our apartment. I found them taped to the wall, on counters, on tables, stuck to the mirror in the bathroom, etc. I took a picture of the top 6 that were the most amusing:
You will notice that, on one Mad Lib card, Kevin claims to have given me a rose. When I asked him where it was, Kevin told me that it was in the kitchen. Of course, it wasn’t. When I pointed this out to Kevin, he feigned anger and yelled at our cat, Momo, for “eating” it. Bastard.
Getting back to the horrid scavenger hunt, I also found a number of what I like to call “Trap Cards” lying around on various tabletops. Trap Cards are decoy cards which come in big envelopes, and which look like a REAL Valentine’s Day cards until you open them, and you realize that they are just larger versions of the joke cards. I got 3 joke cards this year, each one psyching me out and pissing me off more and more. The first TC I came across was this one in my office:
Then the one in the bathroom.
This one was actually one of the worst because when you opened it, it made these horrible Chubacca sounds … so very unromantic.
Then the one in the Kitchen:
The back story is pretty predictable. He got me a Twilight card last year, but the dumbass left it on the kitchen counter so I saw it before V-Day. I told him last year that I hated Twilight, and that if he got me a Twilight card, I would have been very upset. Of course, he interpreted this warning as a challenge. I repeated my warning again this year, so Kevin remarked, “I bet if Alvin gave you the card, you wouldn’t care”. I told him that if Alvin got me a Twilight card, I would be mad at Alvin. To this, Kevin replied, “So to be clear here, if Alvin gets you the card, you will be mad at Alvin and not me, right?”. This card is such a low blow.
There was one card on the living room table which I thought was the real one. I didn’t think he would waste money on so many fake cards, but boy was I wrong. Take a look at this:
This card pissed me off the most. What an asshole.
I wish Kevin would put just half the time he invests in devising plans to piss me off into something more productive, like plans to make me happy. I have a hard time imagining how Kevin is going to top this next year, but he’s very creative, and I don’t doubt that he will, somehow. In the end, I did get a nice card, but by that point I was too upset, and I didn’t care … especially after I read his blog.
I hope your Valentine’s Day was better than mine.
Arm Trek?
Posted by Diana in Kevin Sucks
Imagine you are trying to sleep in your bed when your boyfriend comes into the room. You feel him plop down next to you and you know he is going to do something to annoy you. Then, you feel it. You feel his arm raise above his head, straight up towards the ceiling and you know you are about to suffer through another episode of “Arm Trek”. You suddenly hear the theme song of Star Trek: The Next Generation, only instead of a “daah da-da-da-da-da-da”, you hear “baah ba-ba-ba-ba-ba barm”, and your heart sinks and you glare at your annoying boyfriend with mild irritation as he completes the theme song by substituting the remaining notes with the word “arm”.
“Captain’s Log, Arm Date January 31st, 2011″, your boyfriend says, waving his arm above your head. “We are surveying a class D planet down below. There have been reports of intelligent activity coming from the surface, but I find this hard to believe, given the inhospitable terrain.”
By this point, you are already irritated because this annoys the hell out of you and you know this isn’t going to end anytime soon, so you yell at your boyfriend to knock it off and leave you alone. You are in bed because you are tired and want to sleep. You don’t want to be harassed with retarded episodes of “Arm Trek”… again.
Instead of understanding your feelings and leaving you alone, he continues in his best badly acted Star Trek voice and says, “Captain Picarm”, (Yes, he honestly says Captain Picarm) “We are detecting life from the planet. Requesting permission to send an away team to the surface”. A voice vaguely resembling Patrick Stewart’s Captain Picard suddenly booms, “Permission granted, Number One.” You groan and hope he gets bored soon and just leaves.
Then your boyfriend swoops his arm RIGHT above your face with no regard for personal space. You quickly swat his arm away with a few choice insults. Again, the bad Star Trek voice returns “Sir, we are under attack. The planet has attacked us. Damage report! Stabilize us. Transfer auxiliary power to the forward shields. We are going to have to eject the Arm Core!!” His arm starts flailing dangerously close to your body before finally “crash landing” on you, the whole time you hear the words “We are going down, sir. I repeat, we are going down!” You think this is over. You think he is finally done and you can go back to bed. But no, you slowly feel your boyfriend’s other arm crawling across your stomach and hear:
“Away team to Armteprise. We saw the vessel crash-land onto the planet’s surface. Is there anybody there? Hello? No response. This isn’t a good sign, sir.”
“Keep it together, Red Shirt Johnny.”
“Aye sir, what do we do now?”
“We walk!”
Then you feel the scuttle of his fingers crawling up your chest. Usually, by this point, your boyfriend finally gets the point and leaves the room laughing, thinking he is SO DAMN CUTE.
What would you do in this situation? Do any of you guys do “Arm Trek” to your loved ones, or am I the only lucky one?
Pathetic or Totally Awesome??
Posted by Diana in Kevin Sucks
Ok, so recently Kevin decided to throw out his old computer chair since his parents had a spare FREE one that was better. After he set the old chair aside, Momo decided that since he didn’t want it anymore, it was fair game and quickly secured his domain by promptly sitting on the chair… all day long. That evening when I was going to bed, I noticed Momo wasn’t following me to bed as he usually does. So I had a flash of genius and simply wheeled the chair, with Momo on it, down the hall and into my bedroom right next to my bed. Kevin called me pathetic, but I think this is a great example of my awesomeness. I knew what I wanted and I didn’t hesitate to grab it. I not only displayed my intelligence by coming up with such a novel and resourceful idea, but I showed assertion which everyone knows is highly valuable to many employers. I think Kevin is confused and meant to call me “awesome”.
Kevin’s Lameness
Posted by Diana in Kevin Sucks
Do I really need to say more after this photo? Maddie pretty much says it all for me.
My name is DIANA!
Posted by Diana in Kevin Sucks
My downstairs neighbor always calls me Dana. It’s starting to piss me off. When I go downstairs to feed the cats, grab the mail, or empty the trash, if I run into my neighbor, she always calls my name, Dana, and beckons me to talk to her for a minute. After our talk, I always go upstairs disgruntled. Kevin has asked me why I don’t just correct her and I just don’t want to hurt her feelings. She has a very strong vietnamese accent and I’m not sure if she is even capable of saying Diana. Certain languages have issues pronouncing certain syllables, and I’ve never really learned vietnamese so i have no clue if my name is a problem in that language. Either way, my name is not Dana… I have an “i” in my name. That “i” is very important. It gives me style, grace and elegance. It makes me wonder how many people called Princess Diana “Princess Dana”. Did she share in my horrible fate of constantly being called the wrong name. I have been called Diane by countless teachers and I remember one particular teacher kept calling me Danielle. I’m gonna start wearing a damn name tag.
Anyways, since I made my displeasure with Dana known, Kevin has been regularly calling me Dana. Kevin is pretty sick right now, so he feels super bad at the moment. I would take pity on him if Kevin’s misery didn’t translate into his need to improve his mood by pissing me off. Normal Kevin sucks ass, but sick Kevin is so much more annoying. I hope he gets better soon for my sake.
Kevin Fails at Ransoming
Posted by Diana in Kevin Sucks
Here is a text message conversation that Kevin had with my sister via cell phone. Yes, in case this confuses you, Kevin is indeed sending text messages to my sister’s one and only mobile phone.
Kevin: I have your phone. Await my call for further instructions.
Kevin: No cops.
Mindy: Aw ehf, really? How will I know if I can trust you?
Kevin: That doesn’t sound like “awaiting further instructions”
Mindy: You know, you’re kinda snarky… even for a crook!!
Kevin: Check your attitude if you want to see your phone again.
Mindy: Suck it! Xx
Kevin: Your phone has just lost its pound sign. If you want to preserve its asterisk key, then await further instructions.
I would normally say this is Kevin’s biggest epic failure, but alas, he has much worse antics than this. So sad.
Poor Maddie
Posted by Diana in Kevin Sucks
Kevin always gives Maddie horrible names. As if her real name wasn’t bad enough (Madam Beasley Meowington), he has to also give her horribly insulting nicknames. I admit, she is a stocky cat, but that doesn’t give Kevin the right to call her “Gravy”, “Bed of Mashed Potatoes”, or “Orca”. But now he has added a new name of the collection. Look at this picture:
What does that splash of black look like to you? I see a sideways lesser than sign (<), or a roof of a house, or the bottom of a heart. But what does Kevin see? Hitler’s mustache. Yes, you heard me. So her new nickname, thanks to Kevin, is Hitler foot. Maddie puts up with so much of Kevin’s crap, she should get extra treats whenever he talks to her.
Kevin’s Freewrite
Posted by Diana in Kevin Sucks
Ok, so I know I haven’t blogged in a while. Sorry about that. It’s because of a combination of school work and video games. Fall Out New Vegas just came out, as did Fable III and I am still working on Dragon age so… yeah, my free time has been diverted lately. I can’t promise I’ll be an avid blogger again because I still need to rule over help the NCR fight off Caesar at the Hoover Dam, raise several families with several different wives, and kill a gigantic Dragon to save all the peasants in Red Cliff Castle. I’m a busy woman, what can I say?
Anyways, I went out to dinner today and, as usual when I am swamped with homework and procrastinate with video games, I spent my time at the restaurant studying, leaving Kevin to amuse himself while we waited for our food. Kevin, fully understanding how bored he was going to be at the restaurant, came prepared with his trusty freewriting log. I happened to read what he wrote while I ate because, once again, I was dying for a distraction from those horrid scholarly articles, and I actually really enjoyed what he wrote. I asked him if he planned to post it on his blog. He claims it’s not good enough to share with his readers and he didn’t quite like it, but I want to post it on my blog and share it here. Kevin always has a different way of thinking at things and when he freewrites, he tends to be very poetic. Here is what he wrote:
Patience is a self-imposed prison, a static prison erected for the sake of eventual change. It is a place where we lay in wait for something worth halting for. Life is a place where we persist, in search of change, of fate, of action and results through faith, belief in misplaced certainty, and we hang onto it all so precariously, living vicariously through icons and examples of better versions of ourselves. This is the place where we live. Isn’t it enchanting?
It’s kind of annoying how Kevin’s grammar and spelling surpasses mine even when he is only freewriting, but que sera sera. Thank god I have him to correct my papers before I hand them in! This passage is a bit dark and cynical, but his freewrites usually are. Kevin used to aspire to write a dark themed book, making freewrites like this useful in helping him generate ideas and phrases he might have used when writing it. But he has been having trouble getting the book started for the past few years and sadly has recently given up. I was actually really looking forward to the book so this depresses me a bit, but if Kevin has been struggling with this for so long, I can hardly force him to continue. I just hope one day he will reach his inspiration and finally start and eventually finish it.
I have no idea what to categorize this as, so I’ll just finish this with one last line so I can throw this in the Kevin Sucks category instead of having to make a whole new one. Kevin completely sucks for giving up on his book which I looked forward to reading for the past 6 years. Booo!