HALLOWEEN AGAIN!!!
Posted by Diana in Uncategorized
So, this year I attempted the Gingerbread House event again, except I enlisted the help of a few Gingerbread veterans and it actually came out really nice. For those of you who read last years debacle, you will remember how far my attempt got… I got wall shaped gingerbread cookies and a gigantic bowl of icing to dip it into. This time, however, you will notice not only do I have a house, but I also have a lawn, pathway, windows!!!, and a tombstone. Woohoo. It looks too pretty to eat, so I’m going to laquer it and use it for decoration. I would like to thank Jess, Wes, Stephanie and Rachel for their help. Without them, this project would never be finished. I know this because I was the only person who didn’t do anything. I lack creativity and patience. Also, any cooking endeavor I touch seems to end in travesty, such as Taco Tuesday where I forgot to get taco shells and thought I could get away with the shells I opened 2.5 years ago. By all accounts, Jess and Wes should be dead by now, but I guess they have pretty strong stomachs. Regardless, behold!… the Haunted Gingerbread House!
PS. Disregard the head and wigs in the back. I’m storing this masterpiece on my closet shelf to ensure its safety. I have 2 destructive cats, so there are few places I put this without it getting decimated in the feline war of Maddie vs Momo.
Where Do I Sign To Join?
Posted by Diana in Halloween
I hate it when I come back home and find a flyer attached to my door asking me to join some sort of church organization. Do solicitors really have so much free time that they can just go door to door, shoving their unwanted pamphlets in thousands of doors? I tried making a sign, that was later turned into a plaque, to ward off this spam and made extra care to include churches who seem to think “no soliciting” does not apply to them. This is the plaque:
As you can see, the sign does in fact exist, however, for some reason we still got religious advertisements on our door. While I choose to take the higher ground, and simply ignore the advertisements and throw them away, Kevin has attempted to create a rapport with them by leaving his own responses on the ads and taping it to the door for them to see the next time they come around our neighborhood. I took some pictures to show you how creative and snarky his responses are. The first is on an advertisement for North Valley Baptist Church:
As you can see, it was posted on our door on Fathers Day, trying to entice us to attend their Father’s Day Service. I think what I like best about this sign is the amount of responses I have received from random people. I remember when our internet went down, we had to call Comcast to come to our house to repair it. When I answered the door, the comcast repairman chuckled and said, “Hi, I’m from North Valley Baptist and… naw, just kidding!”.
The second flyer Kevin wrote on was simply a picture of Jesus. I have no clue what they were trying to sell, but either way it was unwanted crap left on our door, therefore, it was up for ridicule from Kevin. And voila, we have door decoration number 2!
However, someone left a pamphlet on my door last night and, to be honest, this club sounds pretty sweet:
Here is the front:
Then, when you open it, you see:
Then you flip that flap open and you see:
At this point, I was totally sold in joining this group. The next page was just gravy:
I’m a little upset that for once, the organization didn’t leave behind any contact information or even a place where to meet. I’m not much on religions, but this one sounds like one I can actually brag to my friends about. If anybody knows where this thing meets up, can you please let me know?
Bath time sucks
Posted by Diana in Uncategorized
Just gave Momo a bath. I dunno how he did it, but I think I ended up wetter than he did. I’ve never seen a cat fight so much. You would think I was skinning him alive in the bath tub judging by the way he reacted.
As soon as I crossed the bathroom doorway, he knew instinctively what was going on and clawed up my chest in his attempt to escape. I had to unhook him off my tshirt and hold his paws together in front of him in order to get to the bathtub.
I’ve dealt with him before and know how deadly it is to gently place him in the bathtub. He has this ability to use the bottom of the bath as a spring and vault over the edge, attach himself with his claws to my chest, then my scalp, then leap out the door. Bastard should join the circus. This time I was ready for him, though. I had the water running before I even retrieved him from the bedroom, so after I tossed him in the tub, I was able to quickly grab the shower head and drench him. Honestly, I expected him to stop fighting once he was already wet. What’s the point in fighting me if he is already wet? But Momo, apparently, had a point to make. The entire time I’m trying to wet him, lather him and rinse him, he kept trying to vault over the edge of the bathtub. I had to use my chest as a wall, which is hard when he is constantly trying to move around me. It was like playing pong with my body. A few times he almost escaped, but I was able to crush his head against the edge of the bathtub, just barely preventing his getaway.
Anyways, by the time the bath was over I was sick of dealing with him so I didn’t bother to dry him, especially with the weather so hot anyways. So I hope Kevin enjoys paw-sized water puddles all over the carpet, cause that’s what he has to look forward to when he comes home tonight.
This was the best picture I could get of him. Ever since the bath, hes been aimlessly walking around the house, pacing back and force, giving me indignant meows every 1.5 seconds. He is such a baby.
Fight It, Diana
Posted by Diana in Kevin Sucks, Non-Halloween Holiday
Yeah, yeah, yeah … I neglected my blog for waaaaaaay too long. I can spend this entire post listing off a bunch of excuses such as school work, writer’s block, and a lack of time (or if I want to be honest, laziness), but does it really matter? Anyways, moving on…
Monday, May 23rd was my birthday. On that day, Kevin had proven yet again to be a complete ass. The night before my birthday, I told him that I actually wanted flowers for once. Notice how on his blog he accidentally posted the following:
“Every year, she tells me not to get her flowers because she thinks they’re impractical and needlessly expensive, but I decided this year to pick her up a modest, reasonably priced bouquet.”
His hand must have slipped and accidentally hit the wrong keys or something, because the story he tells is complete bullshit. Anyways, I told him that, in addition to flowers, I also wanted a card with something romantic written inside it.
He rolled his eyes and then proclaimed, “You didn’t get me a card for my birthday”. I reminded him that I actually planned a surprise paintball party for his birthday, so I guess he must be planning me a surprise party too. That’s probably why I got the flowers. The next day, he came home with a beautiful bouqet of flowers and a card. I was floored that he actually got me flowers for once, and I completely forgot to remain wary of the card. I was so happy, I was jumping up and down when he handed me the card. Stupidly, Kevin started laughing so hard, that he had to support himself on the kitchen counter. That’s when I grew suspicious. I slowly opened the card and saw the words, “Get Well Soon”. To be honest, when he gave me the real card afterward, I was so pissed off about the decoy card that I don’t even remember what it said.
He did salvage the rest of night by taking me out to dinner (Johnny Rockets because we were short on time) and we went to see a movie (The Pirates of the Caribbean). All in all, it was a great night, despite the fact that I had a horrendously hard final exam the following day. Finals always occur on my birthday… so not fair!
Success or Failure?
Posted by Diana in Uncategorized
Ok, so I made Mac and Cheese again today and this time it came out watery. I’m not going to go into details… I’ll let your creativity decide what exactly I did wrong. The point is, I only made a small amount of it. I didn’t really make enough for an entire meal, however, after a few bites I completely lost my appetite. I can’t decide whether to count this as a culinary success or a cooking disaster. My life can be so difficult.
New Recipe
Posted by Diana in Uncategorized
Ok, so here is a new recipe I discovered for “Crunchy Mac and Cheese”.
Step 1: Fill pot full of hot water
Step 2: Dump… I mean POUR macaroni in hot water and set to boil
Step 3: Promptly forget about macaroni and leave the room
Step 4: 45 minutes later, return to macaroni. Normally, you would have to pour the macaroni into a strainer to get rid of the water, but in my method, the water has all evaporated and you can completely skip that step. This is a recipe for a busy person who doesn’t have time to babysit a pot of macaroni.
Step 5: Pour in the milk, cheese mix and butter as directed on side of the box.
Step 6: Stir
Step 7: Pour macaroni into bowl
Step 8: Chisel “crunchy” macaroni from bottom of pot and sprinkle on top of mac of cheese in bowl
Step 9: Leave pot in sink for significant other to clean later
Mindy vs Zorton
Posted by Diana in Kevin Sucks
For those of you who have been reading my blog since the beginning, you may remember a post between my sister, Mindy, and an alien who uses Kevin’s phone to communicate with my sister. Today, the alien contacted Mindy via Mindy’s cell phone.
Alien: This is Zorton from the planet Kluxhu. Tremble in fear, puny earthling. P.S. We have your phone!
Mindy: Ahhh crap, not again!!
Alien: Again? This is the first time we’ve contacted you, puny earthling. Wait, did my idiot lieutenant jump the gun again? I’m going to kill that Qxaklufrgn Farkl. (That’s “asshole” in our native tongue. You’d better learn it well.
Mindy: Well, since you and I are already familiar, why not use “asshole”?
Alien: Check your insolence, earthling, if you want to see your phone again.
Mindy: No disrespect intended, sir. I can’t help but feel things may be getting lost in translation. Perhaps we can discuss this over a nice cocktail.
Alien: Punctuate this! Your cocktail means nothing to me.
Mindy: Damn, that hurts. Your words cut deep, man.
Alien: I have a death ray. I can do more than cut. Suck on that, terran scum!
(We were at Starbucks with my sister during this conversation and my sister ordered her coffee and told us about how unhelpful her podiatrist has been regarding her feet problem. Coincidently, as Mindy was scooping her yogurt with granola on top, her spoon decided to snap in half)
Alien: Your coffee order is gibberish. I am the reason for your foot problems. I also broke your spoon with mind bullets. Like that parfait you’re eating? That’s my lieutenant ground up into dairy and granola.
(Mindy ignores Kevin and goes on to tell us about the great deal she got when purchasing her super awesome and trendy scarf for only $2, even though it was totally worth way more than that.)
Alien: Your scarf is worth no more than 49 cents.
Mindy: Fuck you, you fucking FARKL!
Alien: I see your race wears large sunglasses to cover your ugly faces. This pleases me. Lady Gaga called. She wants her glasses back. Run and tell that, Poker Face. P.S. Lady Gaga is my lieutenant.
Mindy: That actually makes a lot of sense.
Alien: One of us has to make sense around here. You know what also makes sense? Wdidfjhfksaos. I’ll tell you what that means after the invasion. Hint: It rhymes with “Go sodomize yourself with a splintered broom.” Here’s another hint. My people planted a bunch of booby trapped scarves in all of the thrift shops of the world. I hope you enjoy anal warts. You’ve got’em now.
Mindy: Ok, enough of that sister. That’s just plain gross!
Alien: I am neither male nor female. You will learn that about my people after the invasion. Enjoy your day.
Mindy: Looking forward to it, asshole. I mean, farkl.
Alien: Now you’ve asked for it. I have just posted naked pictures of your phone on the internet. Await instructions on how to have them taken down.
At this point, I noticed my sister somehow thought I had stolen Kevin’s phone and I was the one typing all this stupidity. I confiscated Kevin’s phone for a while before I finally gave it back. Sometimes, he acts like a freaking 2 year old and gets me in trouble. What a Qxaklufrgn Farkl!!!
My Valentine’s Day
Posted by Diana in Kevin Sucks
Every year, Kevin outdoes himself. He spends weeks brainstorming the perfect plan for Valentine’s Day in the hope of pissing me off even more than he did the year before. Well, it’s going to be pretty hard for Kevin to top himself after this year. Let me run down my V-Day morning, and you will see what I’m talking about.
The first thing I noticed when I woke up on February 14th was the Mad Libs brand Valentine’s cards in my bedroom. Following the trail of these cards led me to various different rooms in our apartment. I found them taped to the wall, on counters, on tables, stuck to the mirror in the bathroom, etc. I took a picture of the top 6 that were the most amusing:
You will notice that, on one Mad Lib card, Kevin claims to have given me a rose. When I asked him where it was, Kevin told me that it was in the kitchen. Of course, it wasn’t. When I pointed this out to Kevin, he feigned anger and yelled at our cat, Momo, for “eating” it. Bastard.
Getting back to the horrid scavenger hunt, I also found a number of what I like to call “Trap Cards” lying around on various tabletops. Trap Cards are decoy cards which come in big envelopes, and which look like a REAL Valentine’s Day cards until you open them, and you realize that they are just larger versions of the joke cards. I got 3 joke cards this year, each one psyching me out and pissing me off more and more. The first TC I came across was this one in my office:
Then the one in the bathroom.
This one was actually one of the worst because when you opened it, it made these horrible Chubacca sounds … so very unromantic.
Then the one in the Kitchen:
The back story is pretty predictable. He got me a Twilight card last year, but the dumbass left it on the kitchen counter so I saw it before V-Day. I told him last year that I hated Twilight, and that if he got me a Twilight card, I would have been very upset. Of course, he interpreted this warning as a challenge. I repeated my warning again this year, so Kevin remarked, “I bet if Alvin gave you the card, you wouldn’t care”. I told him that if Alvin got me a Twilight card, I would be mad at Alvin. To this, Kevin replied, “So to be clear here, if Alvin gets you the card, you will be mad at Alvin and not me, right?”. This card is such a low blow.
There was one card on the living room table which I thought was the real one. I didn’t think he would waste money on so many fake cards, but boy was I wrong. Take a look at this:
This card pissed me off the most. What an asshole.
I wish Kevin would put just half the time he invests in devising plans to piss me off into something more productive, like plans to make me happy. I have a hard time imagining how Kevin is going to top this next year, but he’s very creative, and I don’t doubt that he will, somehow. In the end, I did get a nice card, but by that point I was too upset, and I didn’t care … especially after I read his blog.
I hope your Valentine’s Day was better than mine.
Arm Trek?
Posted by Diana in Kevin Sucks
Imagine you are trying to sleep in your bed when your boyfriend comes into the room. You feel him plop down next to you and you know he is going to do something to annoy you. Then, you feel it. You feel his arm raise above his head, straight up towards the ceiling and you know you are about to suffer through another episode of “Arm Trek”. You suddenly hear the theme song of Star Trek: The Next Generation, only instead of a “daah da-da-da-da-da-da”, you hear “baah ba-ba-ba-ba-ba barm”, and your heart sinks and you glare at your annoying boyfriend with mild irritation as he completes the theme song by substituting the remaining notes with the word “arm”.
“Captain’s Log, Arm Date January 31st, 2011″, your boyfriend says, waving his arm above your head. “We are surveying a class D planet down below. There have been reports of intelligent activity coming from the surface, but I find this hard to believe, given the inhospitable terrain.”
By this point, you are already irritated because this annoys the hell out of you and you know this isn’t going to end anytime soon, so you yell at your boyfriend to knock it off and leave you alone. You are in bed because you are tired and want to sleep. You don’t want to be harassed with retarded episodes of “Arm Trek”… again.
Instead of understanding your feelings and leaving you alone, he continues in his best badly acted Star Trek voice and says, “Captain Picarm”, (Yes, he honestly says Captain Picarm) “We are detecting life from the planet. Requesting permission to send an away team to the surface”. A voice vaguely resembling Patrick Stewart’s Captain Picard suddenly booms, “Permission granted, Number One.” You groan and hope he gets bored soon and just leaves.
Then your boyfriend swoops his arm RIGHT above your face with no regard for personal space. You quickly swat his arm away with a few choice insults. Again, the bad Star Trek voice returns “Sir, we are under attack. The planet has attacked us. Damage report! Stabilize us. Transfer auxiliary power to the forward shields. We are going to have to eject the Arm Core!!” His arm starts flailing dangerously close to your body before finally “crash landing” on you, the whole time you hear the words “We are going down, sir. I repeat, we are going down!” You think this is over. You think he is finally done and you can go back to bed. But no, you slowly feel your boyfriend’s other arm crawling across your stomach and hear:
“Away team to Armteprise. We saw the vessel crash-land onto the planet’s surface. Is there anybody there? Hello? No response. This isn’t a good sign, sir.”
“Keep it together, Red Shirt Johnny.”
“Aye sir, what do we do now?”
“We walk!”
Then you feel the scuttle of his fingers crawling up your chest. Usually, by this point, your boyfriend finally gets the point and leaves the room laughing, thinking he is SO DAMN CUTE.
What would you do in this situation? Do any of you guys do “Arm Trek” to your loved ones, or am I the only lucky one?
Pathetic or Totally Awesome??
Posted by Diana in Kevin Sucks
Ok, so recently Kevin decided to throw out his old computer chair since his parents had a spare FREE one that was better. After he set the old chair aside, Momo decided that since he didn’t want it anymore, it was fair game and quickly secured his domain by promptly sitting on the chair… all day long. That evening when I was going to bed, I noticed Momo wasn’t following me to bed as he usually does. So I had a flash of genius and simply wheeled the chair, with Momo on it, down the hall and into my bedroom right next to my bed. Kevin called me pathetic, but I think this is a great example of my awesomeness. I knew what I wanted and I didn’t hesitate to grab it. I not only displayed my intelligence by coming up with such a novel and resourceful idea, but I showed assertion which everyone knows is highly valuable to many employers. I think Kevin is confused and meant to call me “awesome”.